Discovering the Power of your"No."

I’m sure many of us have crossed paths with at least one push over and we either felt bad for them or joined in on treating them like a welcome mat. No matter what your stance on the situation, one thing was for sure, you DIDN'T want to be them.

As a recovering push-over, there are a few gems I have to offer y'all. The first one gets down to the core of this issue. For me, the problem stemmed from not valuing my time and energy enough to protect it. Because of this, I usually found myself in; situations, relationships, jobs and other positions that did not serve me, drained my precious energy, or that I simply didn’t enjoy. I’m learning that my “yes” needs to valuable to ME before it can be valuable to anyone else. If I'm being honest, this realization kicked my ass a little. I was playing myself, but guess what? Realizing it was the first step to changing that.

The path of saying “yes” to everything and everyone (except yourself) is a dangerous one. In being so free handed with my energy, I was at risk of not having the energy to show up when it truly matters. Tragically, a lot of the times I would run out of energy before taking care of me, and honestly, that’s toxic as Fuhhhhh.

Have you ever met someone that was just so nice that they kinda became bitter after a while? I know I have. It’s a common theme among black women, so I'm speaking from experience here. This meant that damn near every queen I came across struggled with this issue.

This is because they fell into the trap of being too giving, and never took the time to give to themselves. I imagine that being raised to take care of our younger siblings from a young age and the nurturing nature of women, made us think this was the way to go. Even though I specifically mention black women, it's not just us. Guys can fall into it too, with the stressors of feeling like they have to provide, "man up" and whatever other expectations that are placed on them.

Trying to pour from an empty cup is plain madness. This usually leads to resentment and thoughts like:"Why should I keep giving when no one ever gives me anything?”. You shouldn’t, but no one owes you shit either. That’s why I practice filling my own cup and loving on myself before I begin expecting that of anyone else.

How you treat yourself, sets the standard for how others treat you. If you put yourself last by saying “yes” to everyone but you, you're sending a message. "I don't really value myself, and neither should you". That’s where my new favorite word comes in. No.

Mannn, sometimes you gotta pick ya own self up

One significant issue I faced after I got tired of being a doormat, was learning how to actually say “no” and mean it. It’s all cute and empowering to realize that you need to Boss up, but actually doing it is a whole other story. I had no idea how to actually say “no”. This, right here, is where it all comes together.

“No” is a complete sentence. Look at that. Done. You don’t need to explain anything cause bishhh we grown. The only obligations you have are to yourself. In the words of my Mom: “You don’t gotta do Shit but be black and die”. I found that the pressure to explain myself was a whole other can of worms because providing an explanation opened the door for even more guilt.

A lot of times, people who knew me, understood how I think and knew how easy it was to change my weak ass “no” to a shaky ass “yes”. So providing an explanation (which I didn’t owe anyone), only made it easier for me to feel more guilt or think my way into doing things that simply don’t fulfill me. Another thing to realize, and the hardest one for me was realizing that having the means to do something, does not mean you're obligated to do them.

New me, who dis?

I used to guilt trip myself into things by thinking “why not? It wouldn’t take much?”. Now I’ve learned (through countless times of running myself dry) that it does cost me. It costs me things I can’t afford such as: my relationship with myself, my mental well-being and a little of my self worth. Those are things I fight for daily, and things I have learned to value by almost losing them. Ask yourself this: is pleasing people worth that beautiful mind of yours? I think Tf not. No. Negative.