Toxic Shame: loose the deadweight Fam!

So what is toxic shame anyway??? Umm you know, my bestie, something I've struggled with for years and the demon I'm ready to get off my back. Nah, but forreal though: it's an irrational feeling of worthlessness, humiliation and guilt that is often rooted in trauma or poor childhood experiences.

loloool me when I realized this post was getting real af

Now, before we even get our panties in a bunch, lemme start by saying "RELAX!". I don't hate my family, I am not ungrateful, and yes, I know, it could have been worse. But let's face it, our parents are just people too. And what do people do? They make mistakes.

Some of those mistakes can lead to a world of pain and suffering for the ones closest to us (hope my words aren't too strong, but oh well, just being real). I'm not gonna dive into all my childhood experiences or bare my soul to you or anything, but just know shizzz got real. One fairly harmless example that I feel comfortable sharing, is constantly being told (directly and indirectly) that I was not good enough.

That sounds a bit harsh to say to a kid right? Wrong. I grew up in a family where we didn't really have the same love language. My family obviously loved me and did their best to show it, but sometimes that came in the form of harsh rules, super high standards and good ol' tough love. We didn't have a lot of money and like many people in that situation "education was key". I loved that, and to this day my love for learning and feeding my mind is a huge part of me, but, the constant pressure to excel in school did a number on me.

I would bring home a 98 average, bursting with pride and just dying for some validation.

I was crushed when I was met with "What happened to the other two points?" or "Isn't that what you're supposed to do?". Even though that seems pretty minor, for a lost teenage girl who desperately needed validation, it sent me on a journey of seeking validation and feeling worthless when I didn't find it in others. I'm now learning that this created major issues of self worth within me.

Another issue that I find myself having to recover from was rejecting my emotions. I can say with confidence that I wasn't the only one raised on "stop whining or I'll give you something to cry about" or "fix your face before I fix it for you". Seems innocent enough, but really and truly, it taught me that my emotions are not valid and that my anger, sadness or frustration was not allowed.I viewed negative emotions as something I should keep to myself or disguise, hence the shame I felt whenever these emotions would arise. Because of this, I struggle to express or allow myself to even admit such emotions, to this day. You know what that means? People got to wreak havoc in my life, and I would still be the one feeling feeling guilty. That feeling of wrongness became attached to my negative feelings. It's almost as if feeling anything but pure and constant bliss is something to be ashamed of. How dare me feel anger, sadness, confusion or anything besides gratitude, right?

Wronggg! Like I've said and will continue to say: emotions are all valid. They are a spectrum, ranging from anger, sadness, frustration, meh, joy and you get it. Getting over that shameful feeling when I experience negative emotions is something that takes deliberate work. I have to constantly remind myself that I can't control my feelings, and that my control lies only within my actions.

Feelings are simply there to direct us, like our senses are. Think about burning your hand on a hot stove. The pain tells you that you should move your hand, and the memory of the pain helps you to avoid that pain in the future. Same concept with emotion, anger shows you the situations you should try to avoid, sadness signifies a loss of some kind and so on. Get in the habit of allowing your emotions to guide you, instead of shaming yourself whenever you feel kinda off. It's fine, we're only human.

Now that I've poured my heart out and expressed my sensitive side, lets get on with the healing. For me, my shame comes from never feeling good enough, because there was no validation when I did something I was proud of. A few things I do to combat that include:

1. I celebrate my own wins: you won't always have a bandwagon of supporters, but you need to support YOU. The only actions you have control over are yours, so why not be your own cheerleading squad ?

2. I stopped basing my worth on my accomplishments: while it's great when we accomplish our goals, that can be dangerous. If we base our self-worth on wins, it means our value declines when things don't go as planned, which is usually the case in my adult life. Getting to know and value yourself on a deeper level does wonders for improving self worth by placing it in things that are more stable, such as your character, values and just you as an individual.

Life handing me "L" afte L but I'm still unbothered.

3. I share my wins with people who are genuinely happy for me: sometimes people throw shade on your wins because they some hating ass hoes . Nah I'm playing but forreal, some people struggle to see the value in their work and themselves, so they are stuck bringing others down as well. So, surround yourself with people that validate you in every sense.

4. Own your feelings (like I've mentioned a thousand times in How To Get Over The Fear of Happy and Sucessful) , don't let them own you. If you feel ashamed of something you did, own it. Understand that that's not something you wanna do again, but do NOT let that shame creep in and take up residence in that beautiful mind of yours. That's not cute.

Comment below or message me your favorite part of this post.

Peace and Blessings,

Shaday